Starting Out

I am 27 years old, married to a wonderful man and mother to three young children. I've been dealing with depression for at least ten years, seven of them diagnosed and medicated. Currently I am on Prozac and Klonipin but in the past I've tried Zoloft, Celexa and Ativan. Just a small background on my medications and what I am familiar with. I've been diagnosed with clinical depression, generalized anxiety disorder and agoraphobia. Yeah, fun times.

My husband is currently deployed and I'm hoping he'll be back by mid summer and in the meantime I've decided to move back in with my parents since most days it's difficult for me to get out of bed much less take care of my kids without some prodding. Most of my friends and family have no idea what I struggle with since it is very embarrassing to me and I tend to be the type to smile and nod despite how I'm feeling. I absolutely hate counseling for that very reason and it's difficult for me to talk with someone about such personal things when I know he/she is being paid to listen and "care".

Why can't I be normal like other people? Why do I need medications to get me through my day? Why can't I be happy since outwardly I have everything I've ever wanted? Why do I have irrational thoughts about killing myself so that I can make my family's lives better?

I know that I'm not the only one out there who deals with these things. Since I can't talk to my friends and they have no idea what I struggle with, maybe we can get through this together. Either way, it's therapeutic to me to write about it and maybe I can show others that they're not as alone as I usually feel.