Hard Days

Every day is different. Some are good and I find myself thinking that I don't need the medication any more. Then there are the days where the world caves in on me and I can't get out of bed because of all the things weighing me down. I find myself swinging from one extreme to the other frequently, does this mean I am Bipolar? As soon as I mentioned that possibility to my doctor, I was instantly taken to the ER (against my wishes) and told that I should voluntarily stay as an in-patient psych evaluation since it's always better to go voluntarily. I was so scared! I'll never know if they were just making empty threats or not but I was immediately thinking that if it's better that I go voluntarily, does that mean if I say no they'll take me involuntarily? The only reason they let me go home (that I was aware of) was to agree to intense Psychiatric work weekly with their ward. Why would I put myself through that again? Of course when I go in to see the doctor now I smile and say that life is great. Who wouldn't after seeing what the truth got me last time? No thanks.

When you go in to see the doctor, have they ever asked the question if you've had "little interest or pleasure in doing things you once enjoyed?" I always had a hard time answering that question and usually said "NO" because I didn't notice anything that I had stopped doing recently. One morning I realized that it wasn't true! There are tons of things that I used to enjoy doing that I no longer even think about and the reason I hadn't thought about it when asked the question is because they were so far in the past. I've been going through this for over 10 years and I don't even remember what it was like to enjoy my days and have interests. My memory is trashed since then too. I used to marvel at my memory and even remembered shallow things such as what I had worn to school every day for that month so that I wouldn't repeat an outfit exactly. Now I can't remember what I did yesterday much less any bigger events in my life. I've tried as hard as I can to remember the day I got married but it's just a black spot now, the same with my daughter's birth. Those were only 6 & 7 years ago, for a healthy 27 year old those should be key events in my memory.

Tonight I am going to the first personal training with my dog, Blue. He's a mental assistance dog that's being trained specifically for me over the next 2 months. For the first time in years I feel some hope, just being around Blue I feel instant calming from his presence. Maybe this will be my miracle cure? OR am I just getting overexcited at the possibility of some hope?

Starting Out

I am 27 years old, married to a wonderful man and mother to three young children. I've been dealing with depression for at least ten years, seven of them diagnosed and medicated. Currently I am on Prozac and Klonipin but in the past I've tried Zoloft, Celexa and Ativan. Just a small background on my medications and what I am familiar with. I've been diagnosed with clinical depression, generalized anxiety disorder and agoraphobia. Yeah, fun times.

My husband is currently deployed and I'm hoping he'll be back by mid summer and in the meantime I've decided to move back in with my parents since most days it's difficult for me to get out of bed much less take care of my kids without some prodding. Most of my friends and family have no idea what I struggle with since it is very embarrassing to me and I tend to be the type to smile and nod despite how I'm feeling. I absolutely hate counseling for that very reason and it's difficult for me to talk with someone about such personal things when I know he/she is being paid to listen and "care".

Why can't I be normal like other people? Why do I need medications to get me through my day? Why can't I be happy since outwardly I have everything I've ever wanted? Why do I have irrational thoughts about killing myself so that I can make my family's lives better?

I know that I'm not the only one out there who deals with these things. Since I can't talk to my friends and they have no idea what I struggle with, maybe we can get through this together. Either way, it's therapeutic to me to write about it and maybe I can show others that they're not as alone as I usually feel.